ILM continue Hunt For Hamill

27.May.1988

Hamill without the 'Force'

The State Law Enforcement Agency ILM (Industrial Light & Magic) are said to have increased their urgency for the capture of the fugitive actor/jedi knight Mark Hamill today.

It is understood that since the revelation of SWIAR pretty much all the cast of characters that took part in the great swindle have admitted their complicity apart from Hamill. That leaves the Skywalker character as a loose end that both the Senate and the law agency would like to tie up. 

Most are agreed that the character is mentally unstable and could be dangerous if approached. Although the public is mildly skeptical as to the truth behind the SWIAR controversy, it is true that the SW7 Council has changed the power structure in the State.

If all is actually true, then Hamill-Skywalker could be a powerful dissenter to the otherwise unopposed oligarchy. It is believed, however, that the powerful jedi has given up his powers in attempt to live a normal life [sources]. If he remains in California, he would have to stay underground as ILM presence grows stronger in the State daily.

SW7 round table goes swell

18.May.1988

The semi transparent Alec Guiness 

Yesterday the Star Wars characters that profess that their actors were the characters and that the characters themselves were and are real met at the round-table 'SW7' summit meeting at County Hall.

The attendees were the Senator Lucas and, in full costume, Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia Organa of Alderan, Han Solo, Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian. 

They currently make up the 'SW7', the new State council.

Notable absentees were Luke Skywalker, Yoda and Emperor Palpatine. And of course, the lovable double act C3PO and R2D2.

Rumours are rife that Lucas is actually Palpatine, as the two have never been seen in the same room at the same time. It is also reported that Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by the late Sir Alec Guiness was believed to have been seen as being semi-transparent. 

When asked about the whereabouts of the also-lovable and powerful Jedi master Yoda, Lucas is quoted as saying 'oh he was just a puppet made by Jim Henson. We had to have something for the kids.'

The Truth behind The Light

14.May.1988

Tattooine, Tunisia

Of course, the great surprise to come out from last month's convention was the SWIAR claim but something else that is much more plausible was also revealed by the Senator.

The department credited for creating the illusion that is the Star Wars universe - and inventing special effects in the process - were apparently up to something altogether different entirely. Seeing that the Star Wars universe supposedly actually exists (where is Tattooine anyway?) they had to be busying themselves with something.

The Senator announced that the ILM is the new principal law enforcement agency in the State, answerable only to the Senate.

ILM and Lucas (SWG) announced that a public presence - an enforcement division - of the secretive agency was in planning now that their true purpose has been revealed. Uniform designs were being considered presently, Stormtrooper designs not being ruled out just yet.

Hamill on the run

14. May. 1988

Hamill/Skywalker is wanted by ILM

 
Mark Hamill was today registered as missing, and as a fugitive by Lucas State. The Department of ILM had issued a warrant for his arrest.

Hamill, or, as some would like to think, Luke Skywalker has yet to openly admit to SWIAR along with the rest of the Star Wars Group. It has been suggested that the actor/Jedi has had mental difficulties since the revelation and is believed to be unsure of his true identity. It is important to the group that all its members stick together in their claim. Hamill could be a fly in the ointment for the SWG.

The Stars Come Out

05. May. 1988

After the outrageous revelation made by the senator George Lucas recently that the movie Star Wars is actually real, some of the original starring cast came out yesterday as being part of 'the big hoax' and revealed their true identities.

Leia-Fisher and Ford-Solo

Unbelieveably, in-keeping with the recent revelations, Harrison Ford admitted being 'Han Solo'. According to his statement there was no such person as Harrison Ford, other than that of a character played by Solo to keep the whole thing under wraps.

In a press conference held this afternoon, 'Solo' was the first to admit to a life of deceit. Since finishing 'Return of the Jedi' he, like the other characters in the movie, assimiliated themselves into everyday Californian life by embarking on acting careers. His 'on-screen' romantic interest Princess Leia Organa (aka Carrie Fisher) stood by her man and admitted as much.

"We had no choice" she said, "It was for the best for everyone".

Mark Hamill was not available for comment.

Midsomer Procession gets heated

02. May. 1988

Yesterday saw the biggest Midsomer procession in the State since the Red Boots won the Super Cup [in overtime!] with over two hundred and fifty thousand people turning out as The Star Wars Procession hijacked the ceremony usually reserved for the once-a-year-liberals and the quasi-politicists.

The temperature rose to a staggering 105 degrees farenheit (40 degrees centigrade) as the hordes congregated to parade, discuss, or even just plain shout about the news.

Two weeks ago, at the G9 Summit in Helsinki, Senator George Lucas announced that 'Star Wars was real.' [Reuters]

The ridiculous claim made by the Statesman seems to have had its desired effects and generated immense publicity for the Star Wars Group that Lucas also controversially heads up. Many accuse Lucas of a conflict of interests between the political and commercial positions he simultaneously holds.


73 people were taken to hospital with health problems created by the heat and congestion, 4 were taken into intensive care and were said to be in a stable but critical condition.