We want our religion back

8 June 1988

Peaceful protest

Crowds gathered yesterday outside Los Angeles City Hall, Headquarters of the Star Wars Group (SWG), in protest of the new self-appointed government of California.

Many of those in the crowd were simply self-proclaimed Star Wars fans protesting peacefully and more concerned with demanding a return to a pre-SWIAR world (where the once-thought cult movie was just that: a fictional universe and not something actually real, as is claimed by the SWG) rather than any political changes per se.

"We want our religion back" one placard read. There has been a growing feeling since the events of SWIAR, among original Star Wars Fans (now formed as the SWFG) that their belief in the Star Wars Universe, as a mythical and religious world, has been tainted and co-opted by the SWG by bringing it into the present and corporeal world.

"These guys are fakes, man", one protester said. "The real Darth Vader is just a myth, from a galaxy far far away and a long time ago",  he went on. "But to us that is what's important, they are our gods, they are not flesh, like these bozos. We want them out!". At this point many started chanting "We Want Them Out! We Want Them Out!"

It wasn't clear that the members of the SWG, in particular the SW7 were in the building. ILM force-troopers were present, but in only in small numbers and were keeping a low profile

Worshipping the Ideal

3 June 1988

Fans of Star Wars used to be just geeks, who loved the films and characters (when they thought they were just that), now, they are in a dilemma as to the true nature of their identity.

Their heroes are no longer their own, to be played with in the realm of the imagination. Now they are actually real, it seems, and it has split opinions on whether or not that is a good thing.

Many fans have already signed up to become part of the ILM's new police force, perhaps simply because they want to be part of it all and to get closer to their heroes. Others who have stayed away from what they call 'the dark side' remain skeptical to the rapidly changing events of SWIAR.

Kids from the
SWFG in casual attire

"Why would the new Star Wars government want an army of stormtroopers? They are the bad guys", one source said. "If they were recruiting Jedis, I'd probably join up. Where are the Jedis?".

Indeed, Darth Vader is a member of the SW7, who is supposedly on the dark side of the force. Yet he is teamed up with good guys Ben Kenobi, Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca and, less clearly, Lando Calrissian and Senator George Lucas. It doesn't make a lot a of sense. If Star Wars were indeed actually real then wouldn't they be on different sides?

The remainder of fans who'd prefer to worship the ideal versions of their heroes, rather than the ones that are sitting in office in County Hall, have banded together and call themselves the Star Wars Fan Group (SWFG).

Unlike the Forcetroopers of the ILM, the SWFG have no uniform, they do not all dress up as Jedi knights (yet). Instead they are more likely to be seen in casual dress: jeans and T-shirt.

A run on White Plastic

2 June 1988

Star Wars Fans cue up to join the ILM

Forcetrooper helmets are in short supply

A recruitment drive for the ILM's very own police force has begun and has generated exceptional high turnout, it has been revealed.

Dubbed the 'Forcetroopers' since the stormtrooper design from the Star Wars Franchise was adopted as the uniform of choice, the new police force looks to swell greatly as members of the public cued up in vast numbers to join up.

When asked why they wanted to join, one hopeful said "The uniform, man! You get to be a stormtrooper!"

The drive has proved so popular that the manufacturers of the uniform, or body-armour as the official leaflet described it, have been working 24 hours a day to provide enough of them. "There has been a run on white plastic" one source admitted, "it's getting real hard to come by. It's gonna be a big army".

In addition to the fancy dress the new force will be armed, however, giving a serious note to an otherwise fun spectacle. As many filed into the recruitment centers across the city, new recruits were filing out looking very much the part: Stormtrooper/Forcetrooper outfits and 'blast-guns' to boot.

California the Free State of Star Wars

1 June 1988

ILM 'Forcetrooper' in training

In a statement released this morning by the SWG group, California is proclaimed a 'Free State', and independent of US federal law and taxes.

"We have everything we need in California. Our own right to live independently of what was the United States. We are not United, we are One State, the Free State of Star Wars", the statement read.

The State does indeed have its own police force and the Senator, backed by his SW7 council and the ILM, the SWG equivalent of the Secret Service, it certainly appears it has the resources. A response from the President has not yet been released. The President of the USA, that is, because in the SWG statement Lucas says "I am no longer just the Senator of California, I am the President of California, the Free State of Star Wars".

   

ILM continue Hunt For Hamill

27.May.1988

Hamill without the 'Force'

The State Law Enforcement Agency ILM (Industrial Light & Magic) are said to have increased their urgency for the capture of the fugitive actor/jedi knight Mark Hamill today.

It is understood that since the revelation of SWIAR pretty much all the cast of characters that took part in the great swindle have admitted their complicity apart from Hamill. That leaves the Skywalker character as a loose end that both the Senate and the law agency would like to tie up. 

Most are agreed that the character is mentally unstable and could be dangerous if approached. Although the public is mildly skeptical as to the truth behind the SWIAR controversy, it is true that the SW7 Council has changed the power structure in the State.

If all is actually true, then Hamill-Skywalker could be a powerful dissenter to the otherwise unopposed oligarchy. It is believed, however, that the powerful jedi has given up his powers in attempt to live a normal life [sources]. If he remains in California, he would have to stay underground as ILM presence grows stronger in the State daily.

SW7 round table goes swell

18.May.1988

The semi transparent Alec Guiness 

Yesterday the Star Wars characters that profess that their actors were the characters and that the characters themselves were and are real met at the round-table 'SW7' summit meeting at County Hall.

The attendees were the Senator Lucas and, in full costume, Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia Organa of Alderan, Han Solo, Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian. 

They currently make up the 'SW7', the new State council.

Notable absentees were Luke Skywalker, Yoda and Emperor Palpatine. And of course, the lovable double act C3PO and R2D2.

Rumours are rife that Lucas is actually Palpatine, as the two have never been seen in the same room at the same time. It is also reported that Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by the late Sir Alec Guiness was believed to have been seen as being semi-transparent. 

When asked about the whereabouts of the also-lovable and powerful Jedi master Yoda, Lucas is quoted as saying 'oh he was just a puppet made by Jim Henson. We had to have something for the kids.'

The Truth behind The Light

14.May.1988

Tattooine, Tunisia

Of course, the great surprise to come out from last month's convention was the SWIAR claim but something else that is much more plausible was also revealed by the Senator.

The department credited for creating the illusion that is the Star Wars universe - and inventing special effects in the process - were apparently up to something altogether different entirely. Seeing that the Star Wars universe supposedly actually exists (where is Tattooine anyway?) they had to be busying themselves with something.

The Senator announced that the ILM is the new principal law enforcement agency in the State, answerable only to the Senate.

ILM and Lucas (SWG) announced that a public presence - an enforcement division - of the secretive agency was in planning now that their true purpose has been revealed. Uniform designs were being considered presently, Stormtrooper designs not being ruled out just yet.

Hamill on the run

14. May. 1988

Hamill/Skywalker is wanted by ILM

 
Mark Hamill was today registered as missing, and as a fugitive by Lucas State. The Department of ILM had issued a warrant for his arrest.

Hamill, or, as some would like to think, Luke Skywalker has yet to openly admit to SWIAR along with the rest of the Star Wars Group. It has been suggested that the actor/Jedi has had mental difficulties since the revelation and is believed to be unsure of his true identity. It is important to the group that all its members stick together in their claim. Hamill could be a fly in the ointment for the SWG.

The Stars Come Out

05. May. 1988

After the outrageous revelation made by the senator George Lucas recently that the movie Star Wars is actually real, some of the original starring cast came out yesterday as being part of 'the big hoax' and revealed their true identities.

Leia-Fisher and Ford-Solo

Unbelieveably, in-keeping with the recent revelations, Harrison Ford admitted being 'Han Solo'. According to his statement there was no such person as Harrison Ford, other than that of a character played by Solo to keep the whole thing under wraps.

In a press conference held this afternoon, 'Solo' was the first to admit to a life of deceit. Since finishing 'Return of the Jedi' he, like the other characters in the movie, assimiliated themselves into everyday Californian life by embarking on acting careers. His 'on-screen' romantic interest Princess Leia Organa (aka Carrie Fisher) stood by her man and admitted as much.

"We had no choice" she said, "It was for the best for everyone".

Mark Hamill was not available for comment.

Midsomer Procession gets heated

02. May. 1988

Yesterday saw the biggest Midsomer procession in the State since the Red Boots won the Super Cup [in overtime!] with over two hundred and fifty thousand people turning out as The Star Wars Procession hijacked the ceremony usually reserved for the once-a-year-liberals and the quasi-politicists.

The temperature rose to a staggering 105 degrees farenheit (40 degrees centigrade) as the hordes congregated to parade, discuss, or even just plain shout about the news.

Two weeks ago, at the G9 Summit in Helsinki, Senator George Lucas announced that 'Star Wars was real.' [Reuters]

The ridiculous claim made by the Statesman seems to have had its desired effects and generated immense publicity for the Star Wars Group that Lucas also controversially heads up. Many accuse Lucas of a conflict of interests between the political and commercial positions he simultaneously holds.


73 people were taken to hospital with health problems created by the heat and congestion, 4 were taken into intensive care and were said to be in a stable but critical condition.

'Star Wars is Actually Real'.

23. Apr. 1988

He's done it again, Senator George Lucas has stooped to a new low in his constant quest for self-publicity by making this ridiculous claim.

George Lucas stated in a press conference at the G9 summit yesterday that Star Wars, his Science Fiction Romantic Fantasy creation, is real.

Following a series of PR stunts across the country, SGL stated - "The pressure and complications in my life have come to such a head that I must now come clean with what has been going on... The movie franchise that we know and love as Star Wars is, in fact, not a work of fabulous fiction but actually... real."

It followed that it was thought by the Star Wars Group [SWG] that it would have been 'too much' for the public at large to accept at the time it was originally released that Star Wars was actually real. "We had to come up with the whole concept of Special Effects to cover it up because we thought the public couldn't handle it... And then 'Special Effects' became all the rage!" chirped Lucas.